Roving Reporter at the Bank Robbery
by Ron Kurtus (7 May 72)
REPORTER: This is your Roving Reporter here at the downtown branch
of the State National Bank, making my man-in-the-street interviews.
Right now there is a little commotion in the bank, as there seems to
be a bank robbery going on, right at this moment.
Isn’t that interesting? Now, our question of the day will be
on an important subject, which is dear to us all…
Oh, just a minute ladies and gentlemen... the bank robber has clubbed
one of the tellers on the head and has run out with a bag full of money!
My goodness. Now everyone in the bank is scurrying to and fro. This
seems like a good opportunity to get my man-in-the-street interview...
Oh ma'am. Ma'am.
LADY: (Quite agitated) Did you see him? Did you see him? Oh how awful.
Oh my god how awful!
REPORTER: Ma'am, I'm the Roving Reporter and---
LADY: Reporter? Oh yes. Reporter. Oh how awful. lie was about 6 feet
tall, and he had a nasty scar across his cheek. Just the type you'd
expect to do such an awful thing...
REPORTER: No, no, ma'am . I'm the Roving Reporter here, andveri-doing
our man-in-the-street interviews on the important issues. Would you
care to answer our question of the day?
LADY: Oh, I saw it all. I was standing right behind him in the
line. He had on a lot of cheap deodorant, and right away I said
to myself, Ethel - that's my name... Ethel, I said, this man seems
like the criminal type. Especially with that hair and all.
REPORTER: Hair? But wasn't the man wearing a hat?
LADY: Yes, yes. But underneath the hat. You can just imagine the mope
he must have had.
REPORTER: Now ma'am, our question for the day is---
LADY: And that poor teller. Where are the police when you need them?---
REPORTER: ---do you think there should be a distinction between professional
and amateur athletes in competition, or do you feel that this is an
outmoded concept, delineated from capitalism?
LADY: No, I don!-t think he was that athletic type. Not with that
slouch. You know, I looked him over pretty carefully. Couldn't help
but look him over, since I was right behind him in line. Any man with
a slouch like that must be the Criminal type, I said to myself.
REPORTER: Fine. But now back to my question on the distinction between
professionals and amateurs. Our radio audience would like to get your
viewpoint on this matter.
LADY: Oh, we're on the radio. Well, he was a professional robber.
There is no doubt in my mind about that. Oh, look. Finally the police
have arrived.
COP: All right, everybody, you can calm down now. We just caught a
fellow speeding on State St., and he confessed that he just robbed
this bank. Now I want everybody to stay put, because the robber had
an accomplice, who was used to distract attention...
(To Reporter) You. What is your business here?
REPORTER: Me? I'm the Roving Reporter. I'm asking people the question
of the day.
LADY: I saw the whole thing officer, but then this man started asking
me questions to distract me. Right away, I figured he was the criminal
type.
COP: All right, you, come along with me!
REPORTER: Wait a minute. There must be some mistake...(Struggle)...
This is your Roving Reporter here... being dragged out of the bank...
and signing off.
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