Helen Reddy Show - Opening Monologue

by Ron Kurtus (1973)

ANNOUNCER: And here's the star of our show -- Helen Reddy!

REDDY: (sings opening song)

(Applause)

REDDY: Thank you so much... Thank you...

Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio today, A bum came up to me and said he hadn't had a bite in weeks... so I bit him.

(laughter)

Let, me tell you that this traffic in Los Angeles is something else. But I don't worry. I've got a new invention on my car. If I'm caught in a traffic jam, I just press a button, get out... and peddle my bicycle the rest of the way.

(laughter)

But you know, I'm not used to working here in beautiful downtown Burbank...

(snicker from audience)

Today I saw panhandlers, traffic accidents -danger on every corner. I was glad to get indoors so I could breathe safely. In fact, with this smog, I'm just glad I can breathe!

(laughter, then applause)

Yesterday I received some bad news from back home. One of my cousins had swallowed a live frog.

(snicker)

Don't laugh... the letter said he was so sick that he was liable to croak any minute.

(laughter)

Well, we've got a great show lined up for you tonight, with some exciting guests, fantastic sounds, and some good clean fun to top it off. You know what good clean fun is, don't you? That's a couple taking a bath together.

(laughter)

No... no, just kidding folks. We're not going to have anything like that on the show.

(moan from audience)

Instead, we're having guests like the Three Dog Night.

(applause and screams)...

Stevie Wonder

(applause)

and a little old gypsie who is able to read fortunes without using the tea leaves... she reads the lemon!

(laughter)

So just sit tight, and after these short sixteen announcements from our sponsors...

(light laughter)

we'll be right back with our show...

(applause)

(music)

END.